


Abe Portman: King of Sass

by MilkPond



Category: Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children - Ransom Riggs
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-04-07 09:32:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4258299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilkPond/pseuds/MilkPond
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all know Abe would tell young Jacob stories of the Peculiar Children. But, sometimes Abe would get carried away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everyone

Yakob, I assume you want to hear about the Peculiar children again? No? Well too bad. Once upon a time there was a peregrine bird. Except she was not a bird. She was a human that could turn into a bird. She was part of a subspecies of human called peculiars. She could bend time and turn into a bird. She ran an orphanage with peculiar children There was a particular necromancer named Enoch and he was moody as hell. He came from a family of undertakers. The irony is strong. There was a dreamer named Horace, who had dreams of the future. And an invisible boy named Millard who was, well, invisible! And a girl called Emma who could make fire and hold it with her bare hands. And Emma was super hot. Like she was as hot as her fire hands.  
Millard was a creep. He’d follow us around and he probably watched Emma and I make out a few times. Ew.  
And this kid, Hugh, had bees living inside of him. He had a thing for this girl who could make plants grow and other shit. I think that that bitches name was Fiona? She never talked because I bet she thought she was better than the rest of us. Her hair was a damn rats nest. And Hugh loved her for some reason. I never got that boy. Him and his stupid goggles. He always wore this one pair of tacky ass goggles.  
And don't even get me started on Olive. That little girl had no damn brain I fucking swear she was so stupid oh my bird. She was lighter than air because she had no damn brain.  
AND ENOCH. THAT LITTLE MOODY SNITCH. He told the bird that Emma and I were a thing. I beat him up later that day but him and his stupid dolls would follow us around ALL THE TIME.  
And Horace and his shitty nightmares. He'd wake up in the middle of the damn night and wake me to help calm his little ass down. Bitch, I ain't your fucking slave. I never got a full night if sleep at that God forsaken home.  
And Bronwyn was so damn sensitive. Her brother was no better. They were like human bulls! They were hella strong but holy shit. They were almost as bad as Olive! Bronwyn called the little girls “maudpie” and I wanted to tell her to shut it, but if I did her brother would beat me up and she’d cry.  
I still can't get over this girl Claire. SHE HAD A MOUTH ON THE BACK OF HER HEAD. WHAT THE HELL? One time she but me with it! Like listen here you Lil shit don't fucking bite me with that damn it. That hurt like a fucker.  
I loved the fuck out of Emma but damn was she angry. One time I went through her dresser and she got mad at me! I'm sorry, but I thought we were dating! God she was a bitch sometimes. That's why I left her ass.  
I’m happy that I left that hellhole. Everyone thought that I was leaving to fight. Bitch nah I hated everyone there.  
Well thats enough for one night, Yakob. Sleep well, ya lil shit.


	2. Claire and Olive

Yakob, you're not getting another story, I want to complain about those fuck heads that I had to deal with for like 4 years.   
Fucking Horace and Enoch were smitten with each other. Seriously they just needed to kiss like fucking damn.  
And Olive, her and her NO BRAIN, thought it was a good idea to take off her shoes outside! She floated so far up that it was useless to get her down. She didn't go out of sight but I mean come the fuck on. Who got in trouble? ME. The old ass bird yelled at me because Olive was a fucking idiot.  
One time Claire got Enoch to reanimate her and Olive's dolls. They got scared and screamed and hid behind me the whole time! I was TRYING to have a moment with super hot Emma but they fucking ruined it. They cried! Who got in trouble? ENOCH. The bird was all like "Enoch why the hell you you do that you lil shit?" And Enoch tried to tell her that they asked him but he got yelled at!  
Those little girls got EVERYONE yelled at.  
And poor Horace. Claire bit him with her back mouth and ripped his favorite suit jacket and when he refused to talk to her Claire went crying to the Bird an out how rude Horace was being.  
One time, they saw Fiona and Hugh kiss and they were screaming at Fiona about how boys have cooties.  
Yakob, promise me you’ll never go deal with those little shits. Olive thought she could do anything and Claire was a fucking baby about everything. Don’t do that to yourself, kid.


	3. Enoch

Part 3- Enoch  
Yakob, I know you wanna hear another story but too fucking bad.   
There was this shit head named Enoch O’Connor. Yeah the necromancer with his creepy ass shitty dolls made of clay. He was soooo moody! Oh my Bird he was never content! He was always pissy.   
He was a chubby, grumpy baby!   
And him and Horace! Yeah the dreamer. THEY WERE TOTALLY IN LOVE. Seriously I wonder if they ever just got it over with and kissed. Yakob, don’t visit the Peculiar shits, but if you do, ask if Enoch and Horace kissed. Like holy shit I just wanted them to get it over with and kiss. Damn, it was frustrating.  
And his shit dolls would follow my sexy ass around. Probably so they could get a piece of me. I mean, who wouldn't!?  
Yakob, don't look at me like that! I’m quite the looker, you know! Ah what do you mean you’re tired? Fine. Sleep ya little shit.


End file.
